I used to be a Kindergarten teacher. I decided to stay at home when I had my firstborn.

Since then all of my teaching “stuff” has been placed into the basement. Recently, I have sorted through some of my children’s books. I have been able to give many children books away, but the past few weeks, I went through the majority of my teaching textbooks, children’s books and resources to be able to donate to a new classroom.

It made me reflect on all the life that has occurred to bring me to this very moment and all the role changes I have gone through.

Before I was married I was a daughter, granddaughter, friend, girlfriend, and student. These were all the independent years when I mostly had to just think and worry about myself.

Mrs. Trayer

I got married, got a new job and therefore, a new title of Mrs. Trayer. I was now in charge of paying attention to someone else’s needs other than my own, who was a part of me. Also, in charge of little children who depended on me for 8-10 hours of their day and their parents who expected me to teach their littles how to read and write their ABC’s.

I enjoyed being a wife and a teacher duo. I got to practice those roles for many years. I learned a lot about my job as a teacher and a lot about myself as a person while being a wife and it especially made me reflect on the relationship of Christ with the church. During this time, I was able to get a decent amount of sleep and could eat what I wanted, when I wanted. Whether that meant eating at home, eating out or having to change my thought process to cooking whole foods that would help me get off my thyroid medication (that’s a whole other story).

Mother

When I become a mother my role changed and it changed quickly and drastically.

If you have never been pregnant or are currently pregnant with your first PLEASE do not be discouraged. This is a beautiful process. It can be hard but it doesn’t make it any less beautiful. Just think about how the caterpillar has to metamorphose into a beautiful butterfly. Not always easy but beautiful.

Then, I had my first child and everything that I did for myself now became second because I was in complete control of keeping this precious little human alive. I asked myself how? How am I supposed to take care of myself postpartum AND take care of this precious baby who needs me around the clock? I am completely new to this role and I don’t even know her. I felt the need to observe her almost every second so I could figure out her every cry and know what she needed when she needed it.

Yet, I was in pain. Somehow, I needed to figure out how to heal and keep my body from getting worse and gaining an infection. It pained me to stand longer than 10 minutes. When was I supposed to get my food and take a shower? Do I even dare put clean clothes on that were just going to get spit up on in 20 minutes? Also, what clothes do I even put on? Nothing fits me the same way. The nursing tank I got was too small because how was I to know that the milk my body was producing would change the size of my milk containers.

Ice packs, ice packs, and more ice packs.

I was exhausted. I would sleep 2-3 hours stretches. Since my husband had to drive for work, I offered to take the nights because I was the one feeding her and I didn’t have to drive the next day for work. I remember I would pray for daylight because the nights were LOOONNNNGG. I had a whole new understanding of the verse, “joy comes in the morning”. I felt I needed coffee to be alert enough to take care of my baby, yet remind myself “you’re not supposed to have too much caffeine in a day”.

So many changes occur in a year to you physically, mentally, and spiritually. If you are the first of your friends to have a baby, it may feel hard to relate and have someone to talk to.

We also start to compare ourselves to other moms, whether it’s the support they receive, how they make it look so easy, the temperments of their children, etc. 

Turning Points

I LLOOOVVVVEEEDD my new title AND there were also times I wondered who I was becoming. Did I recognize her?

This wasn’t a bad thing, but this was a turning point for me and can be for a lot of mothers.

At this moment, it made me start thinking about the one role that has NEVER changed and has stayed constant: my role as a daughter of God. This has been the role I can always rely on for identity and strength. A role that I look back at all the ups and downs and can observe any growth and any falls in my journey.

To help in identifying my identity I started searching for love, joy and peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I Remind myself, I am loved, I am chosen, I am blessed.

Then, I check in with myself.  Also, don’t forget to check in with other momma’s too.  Talk to those around you- mother’s you look up to.  Lastly, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Proverbs 31:25: “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”