Do you Ever Feel Like You’re Being Watched?

I Talk to God

I talk to God. I don’t pray, I talk. I ask Him for his Fatherly advice way more than I ask the man who made me in fact. The ocean is where I have always felt the closest to Him and every October my family meets in North Carolina and I talk to God all day. On one particular day in the fall of 2019, I asked Him what I should do. For the past year I had been dancing around with a builder with the idea of opening my own business. The time was coming to pull the trigger and make some long-term financial commitments to this dream of mine. For a year, I had sacrificed time with my growing toddlers and spent hundreds of hours into the late night working on my business plan. But as the time to make the decision to really commit drew closer, the more I began to question myself. Is this what is right for my family? Is this what is best for my kids? I had been presented with a lease agreement and it was time to negotiate my life long dream into a reality, but I was struggling to take the leap of faith.

I spent the day walking the beach alone and watched the water come and go, crash and wave against the shore. My family has always looked for shark teeth during our time together at the beach, with no success. It seemed as if year after year we would search and come up empty handed while others would find handfuls. “Lord, if this is meant to be, then throw me a tooth. Talk to me, tell me what to do. If I find one I’ll move forward. If I don’t, I’m done. This will all be done and I will believe it is not the time.” Talk about faith. I said those words and I felt a weight was lifted off me. This was not my decision to make. It never was. I am in His hands and if this is what He wants, then it will be. I watched the waves come and go some more but I stopped looking for teeth. Instead, I enjoyed the peace I found in that moment and thanked God for the peace I felt in handing over this decision to Him.

Here you Go Mommy

I had several days before we left the ocean. I didn’t feel pressure to hunt or search for God’s sign. In fact, it was my water fearing son who simply handed it to me. I was holding the shells he was bringing me, and they were getting smaller and smaller, and turning more into pebbles and tiny rocks that were probably fun to pick up with his two year old fingers. “Here you go, Mommy,” he said. My heart began to race and I really had to look at it to be sure that it was a shark tooth, but indeed it was. It fit on my fingertip and I began to tear up. Not only was God talking to me, He spoke to me through my son. I believe I needed that more than I knew. My kids are bigger than any plans I’ve had or made and they will always come first. My biggest fear as their mom is spoiling their life with my dreams. That week we found over thirty shark teeth. I hear you God. “Move forward,” he said.

For the next four months I worked with an architect, a contractor, an attorney, and the landlord to perfect the lease agreement, draw the best plan for the business, and turn my plan into action. Negotiations were not complete, however, the landlord wanted to have the plumbing in before they poured the concrete. I signed a pre-lease as negotiations for the lease were just about finished. In March of 2020, they laid plumbing and we were on track for concrete. I celebrated my 32nd birthday burying a tiny statue of Joseph in the gravel next to the strongest support beam in the space. This would bring me security and prosperity. I had no walls, no floor, just a plan of action and my faith, which was only a little bigger than a mustard seed. My kids sang the most beautiful version of “Happy Birthday.” And then the world shut down.

The Unknown

As many people were at the beginning of Covid, I found myself on unemployment and in shock. I was at home with my kids and fearful for the world. What now? God had told me to move forward. He didn’t bring me this far to only make it this far. Or, was he telling me now he had changed his mind? I was sick over the financial aspect and spent the days with my kids hoping again I was doing the right thing. Construction halted. I had serious conversations with my landlord about not knowing what my industry would become or what the world would become. Ultimately, we were too far in to back out, though. The drawings were drawn, the pipes had been laid, but the lease agreement was not officially signed. I spent the next six months watching the world and my industry heal and struggle, heal and struggle. My kids had so many questions I did not have answers for. They watched me cry and get frustrated. I tried to hide it from them, but I felt like a failure. Like I had wasted their time and this was all for nothing. I started working again that June and spent the summer figuring things out. I had a lease agreement in my hands signed, notarized, and in an envelope ready to send, but I needed to hear from God again. In October 2020, I found myself walking the beach and talking to Him once more. This time I may have raised my voice. “What the heck was THAT, God? I thought I did what you said to do.” I needed to hear from Him again. I’m not saying I hadn’t felt Him before this time, but I needed one more tooth. Send me a shark tooth. Tell me what to do. I was exhausted and stressed, but gave it all to God again. I looked at the sand where my kids were playing and I was crying. I just could not fail. I had to make them proud. I had to succeed for them.

I was walking with my husband when I found it. He had been so supportive the previous year and while I was busy planning he stepped up at home. He covered my absences with no questions asked. Again, we found many shark teeth that week in October of 2020. My kids were three and four and they couldn’t believe their eyes when they built that pile of teeth. It was a Friday afternoon when I drove to the UPS store with my mom. I was shaking and crying and sat in the car for thirty minutes before being able to go in. At one point I put the car in reverse and started to back out, but God didn’t bring me this far to only make it this far. At this point, this business was not just mine, it belonged to my kids and my husband as well. We had all worked so hard this past year to get to this point. I walked in, handed the envelope over, and drove back to the beach. Again, I felt again a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. We were no longer in limbo. I was no longer saying should I, or should I not? We were doing this.

The Leap

Construction began in December 2020, and we opened on April 30, 2021. There were many curveballs that came but we were able to power through, I believe by the grace of God. The community was pleased and excited and so many members stopped in just to say, “Welcome to the neighborhood.” It was a beautiful, stressful, and exhilarating opening week. There is a learning curve to becoming a business owner so I continued to tell myself to be patient and give myself grace. I missed bedtimes more than I didn’t. I rarely made it home for dinner. I worked hard, but I knew it wouldn’t always be like this. My kids were excited for mommy’s new work and I could feel their pride as they said it.

I got the phone call on a Friday afternoon that we were being shut down. The sheriffs were in the store and we were to shut down immediately. My business and myself were in trouble for a non-compete violation. I cannot go into details, but I found myself unemployed and now with a business to pay for. We had been open for a mere six days. I didn’t get out of bed for days after. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. There were minutes where I couldn’t breathe. Not only was my business in danger, but, I was afraid I had lost everything for my family. I had to pull my kids out of preschool for the summer. They missed their friends and their teachers. My heart broke every time we drove past the store as they waved, “Hi mommy’s new work.” Over the next month I heard them tell their neighbor friends, “Mommy cries a lot. Mommy isn’t allowed to work right now.” I sobbed often. I felt as if I had broken my kids. I let them down. Eventually we drove by and one of the twins said, “Hi mommy’s new work.” My oldest, now five, sharply corrected her saying, “No! Mommy’s not allowed to work anymore!” My heart shattered into pieces. What a failure. I felt like a loser. I couldn’t even correct her because she was right. I had ruined my family, our future, and lost everything.

Do you ever feel like you’re being watched? I quickly realized my kids had seen everything. They had whispered to each other, “Shhhh Mommy’s working,” while I was planning. They had told their friends everything during the process. Their teachers were aware as well. I tried to hide my sorrow and pain. Suddenly, I started to see things through the eyes of my children. They had missed countless dinners with me, bedtimes, and summer nights. And now they were missing the routine of their old life as I figured out what to do next. This was a family event. We needed to go through this as a family. I stopped hiding and I showed them I was sad. I let them see me cry some days because I wanted them to know it is ok to cry. It is ok to not win every battle. It is ok to fail. I wanted to show them how to fail with grace. I may have failed, but I wanted to show them what I was going to do about it.

I didn’t wait to chat with God at the beach again. I still believed he didn’t bring me this far to only make it this far. In two months we turned what used to be salon into a clothing boutique. I heard my kids tell their friends “Mommy doesn’t cut hair anymore, now she sells clothes.” One of them even said “Isn’t that so cool?” I began working at the preschool to get them back to their friends. “My mommy has two jobs,” I heard Charlotte say once. The kids began to wave at Mommy’s new work again.

Family

Everything I do I do for them. They have watched me lay on the floor crying. They have watched me work overtime and two jobs to support them. They have watched our struggle and they have been deeply affected by our circumstances. We have not suffered, though, we have grown. We have grown as a family unit. We have learned to bounce. Is this your plan God? Is this what was meant to happen? I felt shame at first for putting them through this time, but now I feel pride knowing I am showing them to never give up. This business has brought out a better me I never knew existed; my kids have motivated me to be a more amazing version of myself. Excelling in my career is a part of staying motivated and growing. For me and my family, money does not make us happy. What makes me happy, evil can never take away. The actions of others will never ruin me. I am made of strength and courage and I will raise my kids to be made of the same. Failures happen, but I pray that after failure comes success. I want my kids to know its ok not to get it right the first time. It is okay to lose. But never stop asking God to show you a shark tooth, even if it is only slightly larger than a mustard seed.