As you read this part of my story I hope you can find hope in God for your own current trials. I want to warn you that unplanned pregnancy and abortion are discussed here. My experience and decisions may be different than yours. However, sin is sin and we have all fallen short of the glory of God. AND we are justified by His grace, through Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:22-24)

Our past can be something we hide in a closet hoping nobody opens that door, or we can learn from it and use it to come alongside others to help and encourage them. The following is a quick snapshot of a time in my own journey that sometimes I want to hide, but it has helped to make me who I am and I hope by sharing my story, I can help someone who reads my story.

Almost 19 years ago I discovered a surprise I never wanted! It’s so hard to say I didn’t want what was coming, but it wasn’t in my plans. That wasn’t how it was supposed to happen! This was the end of everything that had been so good. Fortunately, in all things God works for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28)

My life was finally going right. I loved my job, well at least the people I worked with. It was fun going to work. When I wasn’t at work I got to spend my time perfecting what I’ve always been most passionate about – baking. Not only was I learning how to bake at one of the best pastry schools in the country, but I got to do it alongside my fiancé every single day. We had only met 9 months prior, but I knew he was the perfect guy for me. Life was perfect!

At least that’s what I told myself. I could ignore the little imperfections. The little disagreements and differences I had with my perfect husband-to-be. Like the fact that church wasn’t a priority to him. He had stretched the truth about his church-going background. Sure his mom’s family was Lutheran, but no, they didn’t regularly attend. As we got closer to our wedding date I realized that it was a bigger and bigger issue. I had seen the results of marriages when the couple didn’t agree on church. That’s not what I wanted! He did tell me when we had kids we could raise them where I’d always gone to church. So once again things were perfect….WAIT! No they weren’t. If my husband isn’t really driven for God and isn’t involved in church, can I really live like that? Church has always been a big part of my life, that’s how I wanted it to continue, and I wanted my husband to be a part of that as well. (Mark 10:8) However, it was so easy to gloss over this issue because I was so in love with this perfect guy.

Be aware of yourself, know when you are rationalizing your bad choices.

My entire life I had stood with morals, I had been the one who said “I can’t believe they did……” Guess what? One day I woke up and realized I had slid, very quickly, down that very slippery slope. Don’t tempt Satan! Don’t walk the fence! There is no gray area! One little slip at a time and suddenly make-out sessions had turned into so much more. I was never going to be THAT girl. Once again I was rationalizing though, we haven’t really had sex. We haven’t gone all the way. (This is known as rationalizing and I may have not had intercourse, but I was pushing the sexual/abstinence envelope and had participated in what is called outercourse. I learned that the voice in my head needs to be listened to. I wish I could say this was the last time I had to learn that lesson, but it wasn’t.) We just have another month. I can hold him off for another month and then we’ll be married and it won’t matter.

Never, ever, ever put your morals aside for anyone else.

I know it’s hard to accept, but really and truly if they can’t accept you, with all you are, and all you stand for then let them go, they aren’t worth it!

About a month before our impending wedding date, he called me, told me we needed to postpone the wedding, citing his parents as the reason- not sure if it was true or not. He was moving back home. Pastry school was not for him. So we postponed and two weeks later on June 13, he moved back home with his parents, leaving me sad; but I still believed we were to be married soon, just not as soon as we’d planned. The next two weeks were hectic and stressful as I wrapped up the second to last session at school and I was missing my fiancé. We talked on the phone every night, I knew things had changed. He was suddenly drunk frequently when we talked. Something that hadn’t happened when he had been at school. I wasn’t feeling well but figured it was all the stress and missing him. I only had two weeks, and then I would be with him again, just for a weekend, before flying home to Colorado to see my family. Then I missed my period, I kept telling myself it was just stress, but in the back of my mind I knew the possibility of it meaning more, a lot more.

Telling him

While I was at his parents’ house with him, the topic of abortion came up. I don’t remember how or why, but I definitely remember his words. He told me it would be bad if a guy’s girl ended up pregnant. She should definitely get an abortion. I asked him, “What about if I was pregnant?” We were engaged, we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, we had already talked about having kids together. He was more anxious to have children than me. At least that’s what he said. Then SHOCK! “Yeah if you got pregnant you would have to get an abortion.” I questioned him, “How is that any different than if your parents just walked up and killed you right now? They decided they didn’t want you anymore.” He told me he wasn’t serious he was just trying to get me riled up. Well it worked. I had this secret I needed to tell him, a secret that would change our lives, if it was true. I still wasn’t sure it was, and was in denial that it even could be. Later that weekend I did inform him I’d been sick to my stomach, had missed my period and there was a possibility I was pregnant. His response “Well who have you been sleeping with? I haven’t been around?” Are you kidding me? He’d been gone for two weeks! TWO WEEKS! What did he think that it’s instantaneous? Sperm fertilizes egg and BOOM you instantly know you’re expecting. I told him I hadn’t been with anyone else.

We still spent the remainder of the weekend together, having fun, hanging out with his friends. In my mind, everything was fine between us. I went home to Colorado for a week, before heading back to school for the last two months before I was done. I remember being sad that we didn’t have a date set for our wedding, but I somehow still thought everything was – perfect. I returned to school and work the first part of July. Taking my final classes before it was time for externships. I planned to move to Maryland, so I could be with my fiancé. I had set up interviews, accepted a job, and was looking for an apartment, I was getting excited, just two more months and we’d be together again. He came back to town on July 12 to get the rest of his things from his apartment. He was only in town for the day. I had lunch with him and his dad and then they left. I was feeling more nauseous all the time, I’d been late for school a few times. I couldn’t ride the bus into town for class without my bag of gingersnap cookies.

Can it really be over?

My best friend was getting married in August, back in Colorado, and I needed to book the flight. Finally, after putting it off for quite some time I decided I’d better get the flight booked, so I got online one Sunday morning, July 27. After booking the flight I decided to check my email, something I rarely did back then. I had an email from my wonderful fiancé, and I was thrilled. He told me he loved me. Aaaaaawe how sweet. Then he told me he didn’t think this long-distance thing was going to work out. We should see other people. All I could think of is I was moving there to be with him in a month! One measly little month! We’d already made it through 6 weeks, we could make it one more month.

I called him. No answer. Called him again. No answer. Called his parents’ home number. His dad answered, he was still asleep, but he’d make sure he called me when he woke up. I called his phone again. Still no answer.

I made myself walk down to the drugstore…I’m sure I was a sight. I’d been crying, I hadn’t done my hair, I had just gotten out of the shower and let my hair air dry- that’s not a good look for me. I didn’t just want to buy the horrible pregnancy test, so I also bought shampoo, as if that mattered. I headed home and took the test. I already knew the answer. I knew what it had to be. I waited for what seemed like an eternity. I looked – pregnant.

I called him again. This time he answered. I confronted him. His email was a week old. That meant for a week he’d been telling me he loved me. He’d been telling me he wanted to see me again. The entire week he was probably just waiting for me to check my email so he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. A whole week he lied to me. I asked him about the baby, his answer was abortion. He wanted nothing to do with me or our baby. I spent the next 2 weeks begging him to try to make things work.

I went home for my friend’s wedding. I made a doctor’s appointment and found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I got to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. That’s when it became real to me. There was no denying there was something growing inside of me. Not just something – someone. That weekend was really tough! I hate to admit it, but I hated being at my friend’s wedding. I was supposed to have already been married, I felt sick too. My whole world was falling at my feet and I had no control over any of it.

Taking responsibility, facing the music

All my plans had changed. Never once did I blame him for getting me pregnant. It took both of us to make that happen. I regret the actions I took and the choices I made. I wished I could go back and make better choices, but it was too late for that. I had to do the right thing now. I had to make the right choices moving forward. I shared with my family that weekend that I would not be getting married and that I was pregnant. I had already told my mom, who told my dad, even before I’d come home. Then I told my sister as she was driving me home from a job interview. We invited my older brother and his family over for breakfast Sunday morning. That was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do! “Can you pass the bacon? Oh by the way I’m pregnant.” I’m sure it wasn’t easy to hear either. I am so grateful my family still loved me and didn’t condemn me! Sometimes, looking back though, I wish they would have chastised me in some way. (1 Corinthians 5:12-13)

Once they found out I was pregnant, things were different. I wasn’t sure if it was just in my head or if it was real, at first. I wasn’t getting the hours I needed to be able to finish school and get my diploma, so being proactive I was on the phone with the career counselor at school trying to figure out a plan B. Then I got a call from the school about my review from my employer. They said I was late, which I wasn’t, and that I wasn’t getting the hours, not because they were slow, but because I had morning sickness. I did not have morning sickness to the extent that it affected my work at that time. I had wanted a job at this place because I had heard them advertised on the Christian radio station that was only listener supported. I thought it would be a good thing to work for Christians. I didn’t anticipate the judgments that would come along with it. (1 Corinthians 5:12-13 tells us to judge those who are in the body. However, make sure our judgements are based on Bilical instructions and truths.) I was told I was irresponsible for not giving my child up for adoption. I have to admit there have been times when I wondered if that would have been better. Could someone else have done better for him? Would he be better off if someone else was raising him? Perhaps someone who could have given him more opportunities in life?

Since my employment paid nowhere near enough to pay my rent much less anything else, and they had taken to lying to the school, I turned in my two-week notice.  I moved back in with my parents at the end of October.  I was disappointed in me.  I was out of school, out of a job, pregnant, no husband, and no place to live.  I didn’t have a way to pay for a place to live even if I’d had one.

Celebrate the baby

When I moved back home, I had to face my church family. It wasn’t easy telling them I was pregnant. Fortunately, though, they all warmly embraced me. I’m sure there were some with their judgments, but fortunately for me, I didn’t hear about them. Without their love and support, I don’t know how I would have made it through the pregnancy. They even came together and threw a baby shower for me. My mom had to convince me I could accept the gifts. I felt unworthy. No matter what I had done, this baby deserved celebration. Children are a gift from our Lord.

I officially accepted Christ as my savior and was baptized on September 1 at 3 months pregnant. I am so grateful for the college ministry at 5th and Beechwood Church of Christ in Squirrel Hill, PA. Without their studies with me, I’m not sure where I would have been on my spiritual journey. Since I was 14 I had been bouncing around back and forth with my commitment to Christ. Not that I didn’t believe in Him, just that I wasn’t sure I was ready to make the commitment. How could I be sure I would do this Christian thing right? 1 Timothy 1:15 Jesus came into the world and died for the sinners. NOT the perfect. You don’t need to get it all perfect before you accept His gift and put new life on through baptism. I so wish I had made that commitment earlier. Possibly I could have saved myself from the sins I had committed that would so severely impact my life as well as my family’s and this unborn child.

Because I have been there. I have felt those feelings. Fear of responsibility. Fear of judgment. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of failure. I can understand why some have made a different decision. Remember we have all fallen short of the glory of God. And we are all qualified to receive the grace of God too.

If you need prayers and a friend, please reach out to me. If you are faced with this decision, reach out to a local crisis pregnancy center or a local church. If you need help finding a resource, reach out to me and I will help you find resources.

Psalm 139:13-16, God has known each and every one of us since we were in the womb. That means he also knows each and every new life created, whether planned or not.